Umm...yeeah!: August 2008

This really happened today. The first series of events took place in approximately a 30 minute timeframe at the food court of the mall:

As we entered the food court, I was nearly having a stroke over how much money I had just blown on such precious few "on sale" items...with a coupon! It sickened me. I was mentally tallying the expenses yet to come in our week. This left me stressed and having difficulty breathing.

I had promised the kids we would not just go to the mall, but that we would EAT at the mall as well. Going to the mall at all is a huge treat, but eating there is off the charts of coolness in their books and it was supposed to be our last fling before school starts next week. Of course they chose the restaurant with the longest line and the most inept counter help, with the most visible and distasteful tattoos.

I needed to use the bathroom BAD.

The line was going nowhere fast. It was going nowhere.

David was acting like a maniac...shrieking like a banshee. LOUD. Deafeningly loud. I was trying to do my best at quieting him without getting arrested at which time some pretty young thing, presumably with no children, walked by and gave us "a look" and said, "Seriously!?!" Yes, beooootch. Seriously. This is my life. I was outraged, but of course did nothing. My reaction shall be played out in my fantasies for years to come.

We silently consumed our food that cost $19.47. All of us except David, that is, who continued to
attract all manner of evil looks from all corners of the court. Tension filled the air. I was thinking to myself that my parenting today made Kate Gosselin's look like Ma Ingalls. I hadn't been terribly unkind, I was just so distraught all day due to various other factors that I had hardly spoken a word beyond what was necessary to communicate. But even that is unkind. At one point tears came to my eyes. Only one fell before I made myself STOP!

As promised I allowed them to play on the playground of foamy food in the middle after they were finished eating. Within minutes, Kathryn who had been gathering her courage to jump from the watermelon slice to the cupcake, apparently too slowly for the liking of the impatient little girl behind her, was pushed to the ground about 3ft down. She wasn't hurt, but very traumatized that another child would be so malicious and offer no apology. She continued to touch and poke and pull her for the duration of our stay, with no parent anywhere in sight.

Meanwhile, Andrew who was too tall to play, per mall rules and regulations, was helping me keep on eye on the little ones. He was sitting down at the end of a large foamy tipped over cup of soda waiting for David to crawl out the other end. I didn't see it happen, but a small boy kneed him in the face. Hard enough to knock his glasses from his face, but thankfully not break them. He cried. Hard, which is notable for a boy of almost 12 who doesn't weep easily and seek the comfort of his mother publicly. Accidents happen. I really don't think he meant Andrew any harm. His face was just in the way of his knee and one of them had to move.

So we decided to use the bathroom, FINALLY, and be on our way which was an experience in itself. After a few more stops we were on the road on our way home back to Lapeer where people aren't as MEAN!

We traveled several uneventful miles, still pretty quietly, before someone cut me off in traffic.

It happens. I stopped in time. Nobody was hit. No big deal.

But wait, what did her bumper sticker say? Oh yes, "Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an a**hole."

I was irked fo sho, but what was I going to do, really? I didn't even honk. I certainly did no gesture.

Somewhere along the way a short while later, she turned off and that was the end of her.

Safely back to our hometown, I put my signal on to change lanes. Mine was obviously slowing to a standstill. I waited for a break and then darted out. Close, but not THAT close to the car behind me. Not at all. I was watching. So Ms. Silver Car is outraged and honks loudly, repeatedly to make me aware of my wrongdoing in the event that I missed both her tall man fingers standing upright on both her and her passenger's hands in my rearview mirror.

Oh boy they were really giving it to me good!

My first reaction was to laugh it off once again, but then I had the sudden urge to honk back louder and longer. Why? Because I could. So I did.

They remained behind me and stayed a safe distance back. Until we came to the next intersection at which point I needed to go straight and they needed to turn into the left turn lane right next to me. I looked straight ahead, never casting even a sideways glance at them until I heard something hit my van window...as in MINE...the driver's side. More fingers were flipped as they sped around the corner and out of sight when the light turned green, as if on cue. I looked down to survey the damage and I saw a blob of grease running down my window, probably containing trans fat, no less, and one lonely little nugget on the ground where it had fallen to its death.

I required about 45 minutes to decompress and reflect and rest when we got home, after putting quiet David in his cage for a nap and before starting dinner.

The rest of the evening at home and at the kids' school open houses was as peaceful as could be.

Andrew is to be credited for the title of this post.

And tomorrow's another day!

We had the pleasure of visiting the African Lion Safari in Cambridge, Ontario over the weekend, followed by a day of fun at Niagara Falls. As always, I don't feel as if I have enough time to write all I would like to about our family adventures, but I wanted to at least give a sketch of our time through photos and video.

I must warn you that the video contains graphic sexual content and male baboon genitalia can be visualized...rather closely. We were having difficulty identifying the genders at first as their roles were confusing and everything was happening so quickly, but this cleared things right up. If you anticipate finding this offensive, please avert your eyes. If not, please enjoy. It was hilarious!

Also, I might add that Andrew is not taking the Lord's name in vain in the video clip. He is, however, saying "Oh my gosh!" which I have said entirely too much through the years, therefore my children say it frequently. It didn't used to bother me, but as with so many things, you don't realize how it sounds till you hear it coming out of your children's mouths again and again. We are working on it.

This one was just funny...

All of the rest of the pictures were taken through the windshield or side window of our van with my very wimpy zoom lens on my point and shoot camera. Just giving perspective. It was unlike any trip to the zoo to actually drive through the reserve and see the animals interacting so closely. It was an incredible experience which I highly recommend, baboon penis and all.